I have spent a lot of time being upset at the thoughts of where my life would be different if I had been born in a male body. Being that there is nothing that I could do about this fantasy, I taught myself to shut down any such thoughts as they came to mind, and I have been quite successful in that recently. Something has changed, however, and now that I am successfully presenting as male in public, I have decided to entertain this idea, to see how it compares with my currently held feelings of my life’s direction. It is quite different.
My earliest memory of telling people what I wanted to be when I grew up was that I desired to be an FBI or CIA agent. I spent countless hours reading encyclopedias, and watching documentaries beginning with animals when I was very young, and morphed into cryptozoology (Sasquatch, Loch Ness Monster, etc). One day when I was 7 years old, I saw a documentary on Jack the Ripper and that became my obsession, never losing my fondness for the search for mysterious animals. I was bound and determined that my tiny mind could root out the real killer from the list of suspects they had back in the 1800’s. I would lay in front of the TV during anything related to Jack the Ripper, note book and pencil at the ready, and take notes on all the suspects. I never paid this close attention in school, but this was a mystery and I wanted to seek the truth. This lead me into the idea of being in the FBI. As I aged into preteen years, my brother gave me his Navy dog tags, and it made me decide to go into the military, but floating on a large vessel at sea did not interest me one bit. I read into all the branches, and chose the Air Force, though I also had no desire to be a pilot. I would enter ROTC as soon as I was old enough, and this would be my path: Military for 4 years, and then I would apply to the FBI, and that was that!
The realization hit me as puberty set in, and as I entered Junior High School, that I was not ever going to be seen as the male that I felt myself to be, and it was rough on my mental state. I beat myself up about it pretty badly. I noticed the girls in ROTC in my school were always wearing skirts, and my disdain for antiquated female attire, or even the 80’s styles girls wore, was much greater than my desire to make a difference. I could not put myself through being forced to wear a skirt in order to get the job I desired. and honestly I may never have been able to be a field agent with the FBI in those days, in a female body. I don’t truly know. I felt defeated, in any case, and sunk into depression. I rediscovered music and disappeared into bands like KISS and Ratt, Motley Crue and Ozzy, forgetting my body. Girls were objectified in much of that music, and somehow I didn’t see myself as a girl when I played my guitar. So I switched my targeted career from law enforcement to music. That didn’t pan out, either, but it has served as a good outlet for me for many years.
If I had been born in a male body, I would be in a drastically different place today, but I would not have had the experience that I had being brought up as female. Not many men understand the struggle, and I am grateful to know that these days, instead of being mad at myself or the powers that be for having been born in the wrong body. I also am planning to go back to school, and I allowed myself to revisit this line of thinking in order to see if it was a place I would still want to go. I am planning some type of human behavioral degree, whether some type of psychology, counseling, or social work degree, I haven’t yet decided my path, but it feels good to know my original truth.
It may seem that I went into another long hiatus, however, I just got more focused on my transition, mourning my mother’s passing, and talking to the cis community. You can see what I was up to here:
Also, I have added the links to other social sites to my profile, so feel free to follow.
As usual, I have so much going on at once; all good, but even positive events can feel overwhelming. I have my house and business on the market for my move to Asheville, NC. I may have the opportunity to begin writing for a local publication, so I will (should) be more active. My father is ill these days…. But for the best news: I had my top surgery Feb 9th!!
I came to a local coffee shop to attempt to write while an agent shows my house and I walked into a stereotypical country life social reunion. I never come here, and this is why: it’s loud, obnoxious, and some old fart made so much fun of my soy latte with “funny” remarks about dog poop in his coffee, that I had to actually say something to him. Southerners will do that type of “kidding” until you actually speak up, and usually they will try to convince you they were kidding. In any case, I can’t think enough to write the way I had planned to, so I just dropped my youtube link. I will come back to this later and perhaps backdate some posts.
(To beat all, there is a musical cover of Bohemian Rhapsody on ukulele or something on in here…. I can’t….)
Immediate post-op update because I am so happy I couldn’t wait to share!
Originally Published on February 9, 2016
Click to view the video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/6mI5agOmzyE
The big day is almost here! Pre top surgery update, Goodrx, and a big thank you! Getting prescriptions for pre and post surgery needs without insurance.
Originally publishedFebruary 4, 2016
Click to view the video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/vcJGMs5KKYc
Something occurred to me: a lot of (cis) people don’t know what transwoman or transman mean exactly. Here is the low down: (originally published on October 19, 2016)
click to visit YouTube: https://youtu.be/5k9w5Cx_490
Transgender etiquette Q & A #1 . Answering questions I have received based on previous videos from my Cis Facebook friends:
Follow this link to the YouTube Video: Transgender etiquette Q & A #1 . Answering questions I have received based on previous videos.